*

'Twas past 40 days since she left, we really don't follow such pero they, mama and the others came to pay a visit...ayun, the grass has grown na, the cactus we planted for her bore us a red flower, ang cute nga. It was placed near the tombstone and healthy yung plant. Sayang nga sana the stone has her picture. Well anyhow ngayon ko lang napansin na in denial pa rin ako-- na iniisip ko Joan is with her husband in Cali and not actually gone forever. Pag naaalala ko naman si Joseph sobra naman naaawa ako sa kanya kasi what I'm thinking is not true. Lalo na sa mama ni Jo, how i wish I can hug her everyday so she can at least feel a less-like Joan's warm hug for her. Less kasi syempre none can replace what her daughter can give her. Ayun, I just want to keep her in rememberance. We have continued with our own lives na, planning and working and praying for better lives. I'm happy she's become a part of mine...and still will be till the days to come. I scanned thru all our pictures and true enough, she's always  in between me and Khrys kasi she takes herself literally as our middle sister. Ate kasi ako nun then ate siya ni Khrys. Share ko lang picture namin above taken a week before she left (malabo e)  - mama, my two sisters Khrys and Jo, and me. In my mind and in my heart. she'll look like that forever. Even when we've grown old, sya maganda parin, forever at 25. =) Miss you JO!

 

When it seems life comes at a pause I'll look beyond the things I can understand. Only by God's grace I come to know how defined His plans are for me. It is not by accident nor coincidence, everything is part of God's wonderful gift of life. As long as we let Him be the anchor, nothing needs to be feared. Let me share one of my fave songs from Audio Adrenaline. God Bless you all!

"Original Species"

Now my heart and mind agree
a super natural selected me
I see a plan so grandiose
my very own Galapagos
God laid down and he began to trace
an image that he could embrace
then He smiled down on His plan
and from the dust He made a man

I'm an original species
more enlightened than Nietzshe
I'm sure you'd like to meet me
I am loved
by the Maker who's so clever
I was made to live forever
though my body turns to sand
my soul is in His hands

A breakthrough theory of origin
a simple truth that's always been
fingerprints have been left behind
that point us to a master mind
Stars in the sky
there to please my eye
the cosmos in His command
but He has time to hold my hand

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.  ~Author Unknown

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.  ~Jan Glidewell

Hints of goodbyes -some sort of premonition? I tend not to believe those. They're just subtle ways that ought to be reminding us we need to do things but too late we didn't...or so not that we "need" to do but deep inside what we hoped we gave. We seek to find reasons why people did things as if those were their last ways of saying goodbye but we never realize...we never realize those are just what we normally don't see...acts that we don't appreciate till we find ourselves saying it's too late. Too late to accept how insensitive we were.

I have started missing somebody, I don't think I'll end missing her.  She's a good friend - a very close friend. My middle sister since times I can't remember.  She paid us a visit, reunited with us after years of being out to a foreign place. Surprised us all of her homecoming just on time for Mother's day. How she loved her mother so much, overwhelmingly amazing! I was so happy to see her again. But then it strucked all of us ...my "other" sister just left.  Left for good, that is. May 15, 2009. Now she was gone. We haven't had time to catch up. Without a good-bye. A hug. And no clue why.

She had a warm sense of humor, full of energy, my girl-Rchard for that matter. A lady with a ready smile who was everyone's best friend. With her you gain friends, full of spirit and a heart of gold. She'll give you love and you can not return it back for she'll shower you more, and more, and more.  She nurtured and cared for children, genuinely pleased with them. Yes Joseph was right when he said everyone wants to be her surrogate child. And this wouldn't be complete without me sharing her passion for animals. She would have been a wonderful mother.  She's a young girl with a forgiving heart, so selfless this trait became a threat, a threat that cost her her life.

I know pretty much how many loves you...well, I thought I knew right before this came. Each has their own share of life with you. Everyone has a story to tell. I knew it then but I can foolproof it now. I'm at lost for words to say how much you mean to me, to us, to all...and that I'm blessed to be part of your world, of a large percent of your years. Thanks for loving us sis...we will always love and remember you! That was a promise you first kept. You loved us until the day God called you home.

One thing I embrace now...when you love someone, every day is never too early to show it. You may have love and loved in silence but keeping it mute will leave you broken knowing how late you've been. We know this things by heart, the thought is nothing but a repeatedly said statement. But how it hurts to find yourself yearning for times that were lost. I thought I'd make do with crying all I can till the pain sheds through...but it was not enough for now. Our heart is grieving, I never thought it'll be this bad.

Kuya Joseph, I don't know when we ever really stop grieving especially you. I know you still have a long way to go on this journey, but you won't have to go through it alone. God will be there through it all. Try not to dwell on what we have lost, but to be thankful for the time we had with her. Yes Joan deserved all the blessings that came her way...and the greatest blessing she received aside from knowing God is you. I've said this before and I'll say it again-- the best years she had all her life were the years she spent with you. She's been through too much but you loved her unconditionally and that washed all her tears away. I salute you bro, we're here for you. We've become a family and we're praying to God to give you comfort and healing. It'll take time I know but nevertheless God's grace abounds.

I can't feign a smile but I'll do it wholeheartedly...I'll do it for Nanay Eden...we'll do it for Joseph. I so wanted to scatter and fill the skies with white balloons, what we gave isn't enough. I want to celebrate her life. I want everyone to see how beautiful life is when you see a picture of how our Joan lived to be.

Though still I don't believe on hinting goodbyes, I won't forget the last message she sent me - May 12, 2009, that she'll miss what we do so much and that she was happy she's able to spend time with us, times she spent the last. But hey, it happens to everyone. We each have our own time, but what's good and what's hopeful is that we can cling to God and say we'll see each other again where there's a hereafter that will last forever.

“Let not your heart be troubled . . . .In my Father's house are many mansions... I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also” (John 14:1-3).

PS:
Journal dated May 16, 2009.
Final report received on May 18, 2009 declared Myocardial Infarction or commonly known as Heart Attack as the cause.

http://www.journal.com.ph/index.php?issue=2009-05-16&sec=5&aid=93373

.....make it count :D

LIVE with a purpose, with passion, with wisdom and by faith. Live to NUMBER YOUR DAYS. Teach us to number our days, that we may go in a heart of wisdom. Psalms 90:12

Live a life filled with LOVE. Love unconditionally. Serve sacrificially. Forgive completely. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:1-2

Live a lifestyle of LEARNING. Learn from trials, from transitions and from the truth. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 1:29

Leave a LEGACY. Live for a good name, for the next generation and most importantly for eternity. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. I JOhn 2:17